A skillful listener prepares to listen, by centering themselves in the here and
now, quieting their agenda to take in what the other person has to say. They
are attentive to the speaker, making eye contact, pausing to give space mentally
and physically, and being curious about the evolving conversation. They seek to
understand, asking clarifying questions or paraphrasing to confirm what they
hear. They are intentional in accepting the speaker with empathy and remaining
non judgmental. They allow for pauses and allow the speaker to finish with no
interruptions. Effective listeners also pick up on subtleties like word choice,
vocal tone, body language, and what is left unsaid. When a speaker recognizes a
good listener, it helps the speaker be more flexible in their thinking and
reduces defensiveness.
This, in turn , builds rapport and trust over time, which is a foundation of any
meaningful interpersonal relationship.
Listeningis an important skill worth developing. One can learn so much and appreciate a
variety of perspectives. It helps one to recognize similarities and differences,
which brings broader knowledge for future reference. Respectfully listening
does not imply that one agrees with what is being said, only that one values
letting the other person express themselves. Communicating becomes much
simpler, more efficient, and less stressful. One can model good listening to
influence others to do the same. The International Listening Association (ILA),
www.listen.org, is dedicated to promoting skillful listening through training, scholarship and practice. Oscar Trimboli, an Australian consultant, wrote a great resource book entitled, How To Listen. His Deep Listening Project has focused on compiling information about what folks struggle with most around listening.
In my various occupational roles, wife, mother, therapist, volunteer, I am
actively working on honing my listening skills. As an extroverted
conversationalist, I am more comfortable speaking than listening. Choosing to
remain silent and waiting for others to speak first opens up new learning for
me. It allows for those who might be more reserved to contribute, revealing
appreciated wisdom. With new conversation partners, I ask questions with form
and pacing to illicit more personal narrative and meaning. I notice what
interests a person most, what they need to talk about, and what they might
avoid or skirt around. They always have something to teach me. I am very
willing to listen. With a primary goal to learn about or from them rather than
to offer my advice or opinion, I will not interrupt or interject.
Thich Nhat Hanh, in his book, How to Listen, writes of cultivating loving kindness. Listeningcompassionately to others is part of the practice. To do so, one must listen to
oneself first. Clearing the heart and mind creates space for what others say to
penetrate into one’s psyche. This helps one to remain calm, composed and even
tempered, even in difficult situations. This makes for wiser choices and
sustainable outcomes.
I would like kindness to be my calling card. It all starts by listening, attentively and deeply. I'm here to hear your story.